Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Procrastination Can Be Pricey

As of this morning, I now have been sacked by the great city of Madison for well over $120 by those vicious jeep driving weasels known as "Traffic Enforcers". Now, I'm not going to denounce their careers outright as some sort of last resort for bottom feeders of the Police Science technical program. Those power-hungry mutants (and we've all met our fair share of them) seem to worm their way into every department of every authoritarian institution. No. Every system needs some form of order and the power to maintain that order. Even our traffic system. If it wasn't for the imminent threat of a hefty fine, or a tow truck taking your car off to God knows where, any ass-clown would be parking in front of fire hydrants, over curbs and on the Capital lawn! I would too, for that matter. The ever watching-eye knows how many times I've parked without the proper permit and gotten away with it.

But not this time! No, I wasn't posing as some University professor late for class. I wasn't parked over a baby stroller. I was merely parked on the wrong side of the damn road... right outside my house. That lumbering heap of a street-sweeper had to drive around me (and three other cars, mind you). So, the sneaky rats left one of those stinking white and blue slips of paper under my wiper. Another $30 from the listless owner of this damn Tacoma. Maybe he's "intellectually challenged" and can't figure out what day of the week it is? Could I get a sticker for that? "Sorry officer, I'm perfectly capable, according to the State of Wisconsin DOT, of driving this vehicle down any of your fine streets. I always stay of the right side and use my blinkers when it is proper. BUT, when it comes to bringing this metal sled to a halt, the State recognizes my mental infirmity by issuing this sticker". A small sticker on my back plate excusing me from any repercussions that may come from the stationary position my vehicle finds itself in.

No. That wouldn't pass the stringent system of checks and balances. A friend of mine once tried to get out of a minor fender bender by blaming his own stupidity on a "freak" black-out. The judge chuckled at this and agreed to drop the charges if further testing concluded that such a problem did exist for the defendant. The right to posses a legal drivers license would also be dropped, only after further testing. This humbled my friend into paying for his stupidity, and I'm happy to say he has never encountered a relapse.

Back to my situation. I wasn't harming anyone, and no property damage could be linked to my parking job. Just a small spot in the road that wouldn't get swept till next week. BAM! Another $30. Why can't we settle this with some proper public humiliation? Leave me a broom (I could have bought the city a dozen of them by now) and a sign to dangle around my neck. I am a lazy citizen, and my mother is ashamed. Make me sweep my own spot, while small children jeer from across the street. "You can count on me next week officer. Every leaf and twig has been swept away. I even doused the spot with a bucket of water to clear the dust, in case a gale force wind comes ripping through later. May I take this sign off and head to work now? I'm already an hour late."

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